I can’t hardly believe our little fuzzy ball is a year old already. Seems like it was just yesterday when we first laid eyes on her, just 2 1/2 months old. She was so darn adorable & shy. She has brought so much joy into our lives. And I am so thankful I get to be her human mama & friend. And am glad for this heart full of love. Happy birthday beautiful girl.
things that make this girl happy today
rain, starbucks, caramel & salty together goodness, Nirvana, my first Ipod [no jokes please] but only when it isn’t stressing me out, husband calling me from the road [too bad reception sucked, was kinda in the mood & if you have a lover that travels, well you know this could have been good], JM posts of pics [is this man bad @ anything? no jokes please], Grandmother’s recovery [thank you, God, not ready to let her go yet. honestly will never be], moonstruck chocolate. it occured to me reading this, it is apparent where I am from. which makes me glad & thankful, so the last thing on this happy list is living in the PNW. happy thanksgiving, c
Sending into the universe a little sisterly love to Mrs. Courtney Love. I adore you completely, stay with us please. Don’t follow. And remember, you may not be him but you are the closest thing this world has left to him. You & the beautiful Frances Bean. As you sing, play, entertain, you are our stand in. Like it or not. And as a blessed wife of a wonderful human being, honey, you could do so much worse. I think we forget sometimes one of a wife’s purest duties is to happily represent her husband. So don’t fade away. You are loved by others with the same story to tell. You just march, thankfully, to a different tune. True inspiration & your husband would be proud.
Today the question bouncing around in this head I call mine is…If John Mayer has a TV show, where is it? If anyone out there could shed some light on this I could stop thinking about it, and one less thought in my head would be awesome.
As I am writing this regret, shame, & remorse have consumed me. I didn’t want to do this. But, because my relatives can’t trust my actions, that I have valid & visceral reasons for my actions, I basically want to do this just to put the truth on the table. So, husband, mother-in-law, God, Annabelle, Butterscotch, I am sorry, you already know the whole truth. I am thankful for your love & support. The rest of you, here is what you have been asking, emailing, & waiting for. I just hope it is worth putting ugliness out in the universe. I don’t hate my mother or step father, I feel sorry for them. I don’t lead my life by what happened to me as a child. I refuse to. I am not “one of those daughters”. I love my mother & am hopeful still that someday she will hear what I have said & accept it as truth. Still no apology required. Only acceptance of the truth. And I don’t have self pity, I am one of millions with a similar story. So, here it is.
At 12 I was molested by my step father. I have dates memorized, facts that astound me today memorized. I remember that my flannel nightgown had little colored hearts, lace, and heart shaped buttons. I remember my brother was sleeping in the next room. I remember how it felt to have rough hands places they never should have been. I remember the smell of alcohol. I remember wishing my mother would have taken longer to respond when I asked to go with her. But, and as I have been told by my therapist this is normal, I don’t remember being molested. I am more thankful for that than just about anything else. My mother told me I made this occurrence up, that I was misinterpreting something, or plain lying. She didn’t believe me then. She didn’t believe me when I asked for help with dealing with it 3 years and 7 months ago either. She denied it, clung to the disolutions she knows as reality. I asked her to hear what I was saying, accept it as truth, no appology required. She wouldn’t do that. We lost my side of the family that day. I have nothing to gain by bringing this up again. Nothing except what I have come to know as “internal peace from my ugly things”. My mother has made a game of lying to me my entire life. She lied & made everyone else lie too. I didn’t find out my step father wasn’t my actual father until the summer before he molested me. Coincidence? I have chosen the answer to be no.
It’s good to be me. It’s good to be Ben’s wife. It’s good to be Butterscotch’s human momma, it’s good to be a daughter & a granddaughter, it’s good to be Annie’s friend, it’s good to be a fan of Mr. Mayer [thanks for the update/get well soon/have fun on your time “off”], it’s good to be an employee of a wonderful company [health insurers are not all equal, ours is THE BOMB, it’s good to be almost 40, it’s good to have enjoyed a totally great set by Knight Ranger & Foreigner Wednesday night @ the RG [Journey, take a step back & try to remember what the true meaning of music is], it’s good to read that FM mighthave a reunion tour, it’s good to know I have it great.
Things that make me happy today: Ben, Butterscotch Snapdragon [even if she steals my socks], Chocolate, Grandparents, Mr. Mayer [happy belated 34Th & get well soon], peers with solid work ethics, Starbucks, my Hunters wellies, Mrs. Kate Moss, people that actually follow thru, manners, Autumn and every wonderful thing that comes with it, our Freelander [even with the extra “Madonna boob headlights”],my huge private cubical, my job, date night [don’t know what was better, Harry Potter or sitting in the dark with my sweetheart], and speaking of him, early morning snuggling. Good thing Thanksgiving is right around the corner, I have alot to be thankful for.
So long Summer 2011, wish I could say I will miss you. But I can’t and be honest. And honesty is the best policy, right? The worst truth is better than the best lie. So I say this, I am ready for Autumn and Winter! And the rain and possibly snow! I want to break out my Frye’s and feel all sentimental, warm, and fuzzy [my feelings, not my pits or legs, honey so don’t worry]. So Summer, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. See you around. Its been kinda sorta fun, but not really. Since you showed up to the party late and then were a total party pooper anyway. Going from 50 to 100 in like 2 days! What the ….? So, yes, we are done. Au revior.
John Mayer’s Surprise Visit to Eddie’s Attic (1/14) (by Keldrad)
